• Definite and strong physical responses
  
• Uncomfortable thoughts
  
• Troublesome behaviors
  
• Spiritual agony

• We feel our faces getting warmer
  
• We cannot force our eyes to look forward
  
• Our heads bend toward the ground
  
• Maybe our chest becomes heavy
  
• Our heart might pound (we sense we are not in control of our bodies)
  
• Some may feel an empty sensation in our gut
  
• Time crawls as we are gripped in acute self- consciousness
  
• We can barely talk
  
• We are ashamed and can become ashamed of our shame

• We start to feel smaller and smaller
  
• The persons around us seem to get bigger, louder, and more dangerous

• I am defective (damaged, broken, a mistake, flawed)
  
• I am dirty (ugly, unclean, disgusting, impure)
  
• I am incompetent (not good enough, inept, useless)
  
• I am unwanted (unloved, unappreciated, uncherished)
  
• I deserve to be abandoned (forgotten, unloved, left out)
  
• I am weak (small, puny, feeble)
  
• I am bad (awful, dreadful, evil, despicable)
  
• I am pitiful (contemptible, miserable, insignificant)
  
• I am nothing (worthless, invisible, unnoticed, empty)
  
• I deserve criticism (condemnation, disapproval, destruction)
  
• I feel ashamed (embarrassed, humiliated, dishonored)

• Paralysis
  
  • The inability to do anything or respond to the accuser
    
  • May want to speak but no words come to mind
    
  • May want to run, but cannot mobilize the energy
    
  • The individual is stuck
    
  • The paralysis intensifies the shame (the person is not strong enough to stand up for himself)
  
  
  
• Escapism
  
  • The shamed person usually wants badly to escape
    
  • Shamed persons will attempt to withdraw from others.
  
  
  
• Withdrawal
  
  • This is more subtle than simply running away.
    
  • People develop elaborate masks to cover their real selves.
    
    • They smile a lot
      
    • Always try to please others
      
    • Appear self-confident and comfortable
    
    
  • They are convinced that others might see what the shamed individual already knows, that they aren’t enough.
    
  • People who are shamed try to keep their shame a secret.
    
  • They withdraw emotionally.
  
  
  
• Perfectionism
  
  • The shamed person may reason that she will have nothing to feel ashamed about if she never makes a mistake.
    
  • These people get caught in the trap of being "human".
    
  • Human beings make mistakes.
    
  • Perfectionists cannot afford to be human.
  
  
  
• Criticism
  
  • Shamed people often become highly critical of everyone else.
    
  • They may need to feel superior to avoid being submerged in inferiority feelings.
  
  
  
• Rage
  
  • They can become furious with another, sometimes over the slightest affront to their dignity.
    
  • Those who combine shame with rage may become verbally or physically abusive.
    
  • By attacking the personalities of others, they defend their own fragile identities.

• They feel worthless.
  
• During moments of strong shame, they can think of nothing about themselves that is worthwhile.

• The shamed person often feels "hollowed out".
  
• They report having no identity.
  
• They wear a mask to hide the emptiness.
  
• They lose their soul to their shame.

• These persons are still empty inside.
  
• They attempt to conceal the sense of nothingness that comes with deep shame, but it remains until it can be addressed honestly.

• Abandonment seems quite possible to someone who believes that she is basically worthless and unlovable.

• People spend most of their time reacting to others.
  
• Their self-worth depends on the praise and criticism received from outside themselves.

• PASSIVE
  
  • Self-Neglect
    
  • Occurs when a person ignores own needs.
    
  • e.g. Health, Eating, Appearance
  
  
  
• ACTIVE
  
  • Self-Abuse
    
  • Shame connected addictions are a slow form of suicide.
    
  • e.g. the anoretic who starves
    
  • The alcoholic who drinks despite liver damage
  
  
  
• Self-Sabotage
  
  • Undermining chances for success

• To survive, a person who is shamed transfers his hatred on to others.
  
• Treating them with disdain and contempt

The answer must lie outside the self in the magic of:

• Eating disorders
  
• Alcohol
  
• Drugs
  
• Food
  
• Sex
  
• Work, etc...

• Sexually shamed people may become sexually compulsive in an attempt to reduce their bad feelings about themselves

• Be patient--shame heals slowly.
  
• Become fully aware of your shame.
  
• Notice your defenses against shame.

  Denial
  Withdrawal
  Rage
  Perfectionism
  Arrogance
  Exhibitionism

  
  
• Investigate the five sources of your shame.
  
  
  1. Our genetic and biological composition
     
  2. Our families of origin
     
  3. Society’s expectations and demands
     
  4. Current relationships
     
  5. Ourselves
  
  
  
• Accept your shame as part of the human condition.

• Get some help--you don’t have to do this alone.
  
• Challenge the shame.
  
• Set positive goals based on humanity, humility, autonomy and competence.
  
• Take mental and physical action to move toward those goals.
  
• Review your progress regularly.

Letting Go of Shame: Understanding How Shame Affects Your Life, Potter-Efron