I feel I am far too old to be grappling with this at this point in my life. I have a 2 year old, a newborn, a beautiful wife, a mortgage, and am a recent graduate from law school. I can’t stop lying though. The lying has always been for remedial things (telling people I played football when I was really in the marching band, etc.), but it has now infiltrated into all areas of my life. I have lied about past successes in school, work, faith, and general areas of character and integrity. I have been in sales for about 6 years now and I lie to customers about successes, mistakes that I have made, personal accomplishments, etc. I have most recently been caught by my boss lying about making a sales call I really didn’t make, and almost lost my job over it – over something he really wouldn’t have even cared about! I have a wife, a 2 year old, and a newborn who all depend on me, and I feel like I’m selfishly regressing.
I have thought long and hard about what is at the root of all this. My father, who died when I was 22, had a major stroke when I was in 7th grade. He was mentally and physically transformed, and at 13 years old in 7th grade I remember trying to cover up what was really wrong with dad to friends…even though I don’t remember any of them ever saying anything…just that feeling of ‘needing’ to cover it up. I remember it being very difficult to have dad come into a school function on canes or in a wheelchair, and then feeling ashamed that I was embarrassed of him. I truly believe that this is where the lying began, and it has continued ever since to some degree or another. I constantly embolden stories just to make them more interesting (perhaps because I don’t feel like I’m interesting enough on my own?). As an aside, I have also been caught for shoplifting twice before, have cheated many times in school and on taxes, and have struggled with my faith over the years; I also don’t do drugs and only drink alcohol in moderation.
So with my boss catching me recently, it just hit me that I can’t do this anymore. I’m tired of all the lies. And although I think I know why I lie and where it’s rooted, I can’t stop. I don’t know if I’m afraid of what my raw exposure to the world would surface, or if I’m even worthy of such a “re-start.” I don’t know how to wipe the slate clean and start anew. I just know that I have to because I hate who I have become. I have never considered suicide (because I do believe that I am here for a purpose), but I truly hate who I have become, and I want to be someone my 2 sons want to model.
I feel like I have allowed these years of lies to define who I am, and while I don’t want that to go on anymore, I am afraid I will not have the will to steer the ship. How do I do it? I just don’t know if I can come clean to my friends and family about all this because, quite frankly, where would I start?
This feel awesome to write though. I can’t explain how good it feels to write all this down (or think it all clearly through for the first time) because…it’s the truth! Please help me.

A. When people lie it is always for a purpose. In my experience, the purpose of the lies is to make someone appear to be better than they are, which is indicative of a poor self-image/shame. People lie because they don’t think they are good enough/shame. As you said, you lied about being a football player when in reality you were in the marching band. This indicates that you thought that being a football player made you appear better than being in the marching band. If you would have thought that being in the marching band was better than being a football player you would have told the truth. You would not have lied about playing football because the purpose of your lies was to make you look better. As you can see from my example, lying had nothing to do with anything external. It had to do with your internal feelings about yourself/shame. In your mind, being a football player was better than being in the marching band. In other people’s minds, they may have thought that being in a marching band was better than football. You were lying to make yourself look better to yourself, not to the world.

It would be a mistake to think that you are the only person in the world lying. Lying is very common to human nature. People lie on their taxes; they lie on their resumes and in many other areas of life. They embellish stories, which is just another way of saying they lie. I’m sure there are plenty of times when individuals of the highest moral character are asked a question and they do not tell the absolute truth. For instance, a question such as “how does my new haircut look?” may generate the same response from many people — “oh it looks great” — but the truth may be that they believe the haircut is hideous. How many times does someone ask “how are you doing?” and you simply respond “great” when it reality you may not be doing well at all.

In life, there are ‘acceptable’ or understandable lies and in some cases one may need to lie as a way to survive very difficult situations. For instance, you lied in grade school about your father. You may have had to do that because the reality is that one’s peers in grade school can be vicious. At that age, your peers often search for any differences, any weakness, and use them to torment or bully you. Today we recognize this behavior as bullying. You may have had to lie in that situation because it was advantageous and it was essentially a survival mechanism.

Generally, lying is part of human nature and it is a mistake to think that you’re the only one who’s guilty of lying. Your lying fits a pattern. You are lying to make yourself look better to your boss, to friends, and perhaps even to your children.

The heart of the issue is that you do not think that you are ‘good enough’/feel shamed the way you are. To be ‘good enough’ you need to lie to come up to ‘normal’ and this indicates that you have a poor self-image. This is an issue that can be dealt with effectively in therapy.

I also want to point out the very positive aspects of your letter. One is that you are fully aware of the issue. That may not have always been the case but it seems to be now. This awareness increases the likelihood that you can effectively deal with this problem. The second positive aspect of your letter is that you seem to have a new or heightened clarity about this issue. As you said, you felt very good about writing down your feelings and for the first time were able to think through them clearly. Third, you seem willing and open to make changes your life. I see this as the perfect time for you to deal with the possible long-running issue of a poor self-image/shame.

By Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

How to stop lying

When trying to stop lying people do the same mistake they do with weight loss, they usually try to fix the symptom instead of dealing with the problem itself.

In weight loss, people usually ignore the fact that they are eating because they are depressed (seeemotional eating) and not because they are hungry then in the end they find themselves regaining the weight they have lost.

The same goes for lying prevention, people usually focus on stopping lying itself without examining the real cause behind lying.

If you are serious about stopping lying then you should deal with the real reasons behind lying and not with lying itself. Lying is not the problem but its the symptom that indicates that another problem exists.

Why are you lying?

You will need some courage before you can ask yourself that question. Sit alone in a place where no one can disturb you and then ask yourself the question, why am I lying??

Do you lack self confidence and want to appear more confident in front of people? After all, lots of people lie just to preserve their self image and to prevent others from judging them.
Are you lying to gain people's attention because they usually overlook you? Do you think that people are ignoring you and that they are overlooking you most of the time?? Lots of people lie in order to get back the lost attention that they have never been able to get without lying. (seeAttention seeking disorder
Are you lying because you lack courage?? Lots of people lie because they lack the courage to face the consequences of telling the truth. They usually lie because they lack the required skills for dealing with the anger of others.
Are you lying to gain acceptance and approval?? Some people think that they
are worthy as long as others approve them and that’s why they keep lying in order to maintain this approval.

The right way to stop lying

If lying has became a habit for you then you should not focus on breaking this habit but instead you should be dealing with the root cause. Whether its building self confidence, developing better social skills or dealing with your fears, it wont matter, what matters is that lying will never end before these underlying reasons end.

Learn how to value yourself without depending on the judgment of others, learn how to be more influential without telling stories that never happened and learn how to have faith in your self and your abilities, only then you will stop lying.

Instructions

- 1
  Admit that you have a problem with lying. The first step in overcoming dishonesty is to admit that you are a liar. As long as you are in denial or not confronting the situation, you won't stop lying. The longer you continue the deception the more likely it is to become a habit and the harder it is to break.
- 2
  Make yourself accountable to someone. Whenever you keep something a secret, the harder it is to overcome. Have a friend or counselor to talk to and they can encourage you to tell the truth.
- 3 Think about the consequences. One lie usually leads to another bigger lie, until you've woven yourself into a web of deceit and a great deal of stress. And almost always, your lies will eventually be exposed. Lying causes you to lose people's trust and this can cause you to lose friendships, jobs and can even cause divorce.
- 4
  Confess when you lie and apologize. By forcing yourself to admit that you've done something wrong, you are taking the first step in breaking the habit. Each time you confess and apologize to the person you lied to is a reminder that what you are doing is wrong and there are consequences to lying.
- 5
  Keep a journal and write down your feelings and what happened that day. On the days you lie put that in your journal, then go back to determine your reasons for lying. By figuring out what causes you to lie in the first place, you can begin to change your behavior and thoughts to prevent lying.
- 6
  Avoid situations that might tempt or cause you to lie. Change friends if they are constantly lying because this is going to make it easier for you to justify doing it also. If you are lying to cover up an alcohol or drug problem, seek a support group to help you stop this addiction. Once the bad behavior is gone, the reason to lie to cover it up should go away with it.

“What’s wrong with me? I can never seem to tell the truth: I’m a compulsive liar!”

“Thank you for being honest with me!” (I presumed shewas being.)

Turns out Claire had lied since she was little. Recently she’d lied at work, telling everyone she was terminally ill with cancer. She’d got a huge amount of sympathy and attention, not to mention extended time off. Now she’d been found out and fired.

In her time she’d lied about knowing famous people (she didn’t), winning money (she hadn’t), and not cheating on or having stolen from boyfriends (she had). Now Claire felt she’d burnt all her bridges, friends had fled, and work opportunities dried up. She was desperate to stop compulsively lying and have a fresh start - somewhere new.

So, do you lie?

Compulsive lying and the art of diplomacy

I’m not talking about those everyday little pieces of expediency most of us indulge in:

“How do I look?”
Thinks: "Like a trussed up bag of festering turnips."
Says: “You look fantastic!”

And perhaps the most common lie:

“How are you?”
“Fine.” (ready to leap under a tram)

‘White lies’ smooth life because brutal frankness and long-term friendship make for uneasy bedfellows. Neither am I talking about unconscious dishonesty, ‘cognitive dissonance’, in which we kid ourselves.

No, I’m talking about compulsive and purposeful lying. The kind that tangles you up and eventually and inevitably gets sussed.

There are things you can do to stop the compulsive liar in you from rearing its ugly head. But first…

What causes compulsive lying?

There are many reasons why someone might compulsively lie. Claire lied to get attention to feel special. She had often lied that she was ill. This is sometimes known as Münchausen syndrome (1), a condition in which the ‘sufferer’ feigns disease, illness, or injury in order to gain either material advantages or attention from other people. As a child, she felt pushed out on the fold when her younger siblings had come along. She’d started lying to classmates and her parents very early on.

People lie:

Because they behave badly but want to still ‘look good’ - as with the politician who has an affair or cheats on his expense account, then lies in an attempt to cover it up (Westminster, anyone?).
To genuinely save someone else’s feelings.
To control other people. People may lie about how much power/status they have and then threaten people with that fictitious power and influence.
For self-aggrandizement in order to make themselves appear wonderful, especially gifted, more interesting, or exciting - either through a sense of inadequacy or overly high self-esteem.
Through sheer force of habit - “Lying is as easy as breathing for me!”

Because you are reading this, I’m presuming you are sick of compulsively lying. So here are some ideas to help you start being more honest.

Tip 1: “To thine own self be true” - regardless of what others are doing

In the recent ‘expenses scandal’ in the UK, many cheating politicians defended their own public money pocketing by protesting that: “Everyone else had been doing it!” In some ways, lying has become more accepted and even expected.

In a recent survey in the UK, 41% of people said they would cash a winning lottery ticket even if it didn’t belong to them and more than two-thirds of people have stolen stationery from work (2).

You know what is honest, so be honest regardless of a dishonest group-think culture - don’t hide behind the excuse of widespread lying.

Tip 2: Remember the truth is often easier

“Always tell the truth. That way, you don’t have to remember what you said.” Mark Twain

Lying is a real strain. You have to remember so much and, no matter how elaborate your twisting and turning, you’ll eventually come unstuck. As Claire said on one of our sessions, “You know, it’s a relief not to lie!”

Cast off lying and you’ll find life instantly becomes much less stressful.

Tip 3: Know what lying is

It’s so easy to lie to ourselves about what lying is. Not telling the truth and remaining silent is a form of lying: ‘lying through omission’. In the same way, people may assume that failing to do the right thing is not the same as doing the wrong thing. In one research study in the UK, just 38% of items deliberately left in the street found their way back to their rightful owners (3).

Claire told me that one boyfriend had asked her why she hadn’t told him she’d cheated on him. She’d replied: “Because you didn’t ask!”

Don’t make excuses to yourself. Not telling the truth, when you know what it is, is lying.

Tip 4: Stop compulsive lying to protect your reputation (because the truth is out there)

Apart from all the ethical considerations, lying doesn’t work - not in the long run. Once you are unmasked as a habitual liar, you’ve blown it. People will take you far less seriously as a person. Trust may be impossible to ever win back.

As good old ‘honest Abe’ Lincoln said: “If you once forfeit the confidence of your fellow citizens, you can never regain their respect and esteem.”

Claire had destroyed the confidence of just about everyone and felt forced to move on to new pastures.

Stop and think: The truth has a way of making itself known, and when you lose people’s trust, you lose the power to be heard by other people - because they’ll stop listening. (Remember what happened to the boy who cried, "Wolf!")

Tip 5: Stop compulsive lying one step at a time

Claire had been lying for decades, all the time, every day. She was good at lying (which hadn’t stopped the truth from making itself known to the people in her life).

I asked her to start telling “small truths”, being honest here and there when normally she wouldn’t be. For example, when she spoke to someone new she was to tell that she had left school and become a hairdresser at 16 instead of her usual story of having picked up a Master’s degree in marine biology. She was to tell people her real town of origin and be honest about her parents (dropping the story of being adopted). Bit by bit, I encouraged her to start to tell small truths so truth telling, in itself, could become a habit.

Start by promising to yourself you’ll tell people three true things about yourself a day.

Tip 6: Stop compulsive lying by meeting your emotional needs honestly

Much human behaviour is unconsciously motivated by the need to meet emotional needs. We all have needs for a sense of safety and security, attention, status, meaning, excitement, intimacy and love, connection to others, self-esteem, and so forth. Now think about times when you’ve compulsively lied; times when the lies seemed to ‘come from nowhere’.

What was the drive behind the lying? Wanting to be included? Wanting to be thought highly of? Wanting to be loved, even? Wanting excitement? Really think about this.

Lying to get your life needs met is a form of stealing. Wanting to gain love, respect from others, or self-esteem without putting in real efforts is theft in a way.

Think about some real ways in which you can honestly meet these needs for self-importance, security, or whatever drive had been behind your lying. And make these the base from which you interact with others.

Tip 7: Use self-hypnosis to stop compulsive lying

For Claire, lying had come to feel a part of who she was; she called it “instinctive”. We worked hypnotically to great effect. I got her to hypnotically experience a type of situation in which she’d be typically tempted to tell a whopper and I helped her mentally rehearse telling the truth regardless of whether it was less “colourful” or exciting. Each time she did this, she felt an enormous flood of relief and felt closer to the person with whom she was communicating.

To get a sense of this exercise, click on the free audio link below.

Claire emailed me months later to tell me that her new “real” life was going well and that “90% of the time I’m telling the truth and I’m getting more honest all the time; it feels natural now.”

Of course, she could have been lying to me, but I chose to believe her.