It Is The Person’s
Choice to Recover
The bottom line is ultimately the person you are concerned
about needs to make their own choices to recover. Certainly there are things you can do to help.
It is important to recognize you cannot do it for the person. Try to remember it is easier to see
problems if their happening to someone else rather than ourselves!
Try to remain calm; otherwise you might become part of the problem or another excuse for the individual to justify
continuing the destructive behaviors. When I say calm, I do not mean you should not express your concern.
Surely you will be emotional about the situation. That would be a normal reaction. This
is why a support group for concerned others would be helpful. If you allow yourself to be irrational, then
there are two people acting irrationally. Try not to fool yourself an eating disorder can put enormous
strain on families and relationships.
Being Open
It is very important to remember the eating disorder is only a symptom of the real problems.
It is wise not to put too much emphasis on food related issues. Often unconsciously or consciously
we can get so wrapped up in the symptoms that the underlying issues go by the way side.
Encouraging open communication
is the most valuable and helpful support that can be provided by family or friends. You may already be
aware that arguing over food issues goes no where. It also can put the individual with an eating disorder
on the defensive. I cannot stress enough for the goals to be honesty and openness.
People in recovery thrive
on feeling safe. While it seems surreal - moving away from all the sneakiness feels like an enormous relief
to the sufferer of an eating disorder. But it can be a terrifying process to take! Change
itself is difficult and scary for many. Try to be extra nice to yourself making sure not to forget your
on coping skills. You, as the concerned other, must pay close attention to taking good care of yourself.
Recovery is not quick and can take quite awhile sometimes years.
Being open to some changes is invaluable.
Often, as someone recovers from an eating disorder, they become more aware of their own needs and hopefully start expressing
them. They also become more assertive which is healthy. Compromise in certain areas
is a particularly useful tool as the individual evolves through the recovery process.
The Control Factors
People who develop eating disorders may do so as a means of control. Often they express
not feeling as though they have any control over certain aspects of their own lives. In these cases they
may be using the eating disorder as a means of coping with those powerless feelings. To confuse the issue
even more unconsciously their behaviors may demand that others make decisions for them. They can be fearful
of taking on the responsibility of making decisions.
This can be more understood with the knowledge that most with an eating disorder are perfectionists.
They do not want to make a mistake. No one is perfect. Often we all learn the
most from the mistakes we have made in the past. Mistakes can be the building blocks for life.
It isn’t unusual as a result of the person’s fears of mistakes that they become unable to make decisions
about almost anything. There is almost a complete loss of sense-of-self.
If you feel after examining the situation(s) you might be in with the sufferer that your
role ends in ‘taking charge’, (or codependent) it might be good to get out of that role. It
also is important to communicate that you are making this change to the person. It is highly possible that
those who assume this role can end up feeding into the eating disorder unknowingly.
Natural consequences are great teachers. Allowing the individual
to begin making their own choices takes you out of the position of being blamed for mistakes or dissatisfactions the eating
disorder sufferer might experience as a result of someone else making their decisions for them.
Anorexics often have really strong unconscious desires not to grow up. I define growing
up as a process of assuming responsibility of one’s own life. I see two ways this plays out with
the anorexic:
- The individual may have taken on too much responsibility
at too early an age (either voluntarily or out of necessity). This taking on of responsibility
can appear very overwhelming at too young of an age. Unconsciously they may decide based on their
experience, that adulthood is too much!
- Good intentioned parents may have overly sheltered
the eating disordered individual. Perhaps they have been so sheltered that the person does not want
to give up being sheltered because they have no experience in the making of life choices. They
often can be quite angry about having to grow up and take on the responsibility for their own lives.
Making
Choices a Shift Away From Control
Those with eating disorders are
capable, with support, to begin to make their own choices concerning their lives. Support might be standing
back and letting them make choices. It is important to evaluate if this is something family members have
done and make corrections or adaptations in their own behavior as necessary.
Finally on the control issue, those who develop eating disorders often attempt to control
all sorts of people around them. This can be part of their perfectionist attitude. Sometimes
they have a powerful need for things and people around them to be perfect. They can be quite judgmental
often because they are so angry. This can result from their deep feelings of inadequacy. Try
to avoid being pulled into this too deeply. This particular quality can be viewed as very irritating and
relentlessly pursued by others. When the individual’s thinking and controlling behavior is addressed
therapeutically things can ease for everyone. No one is perfect. The perfectionism and
need for controlling others is unrealistic and often is a result of needless worrying about what others may think of them
(the sufferer). All of the eating disorders can display these controlling behaviors.
The last thing I really want to mention deals with abuse. There are
many who have developed an eating disorder as a coping skill for emotional, physical, sexual abuse or rape. Abuse
is not a prerequisite for the development of disorder eating patterns. If there is abuse of any type going
on currently it must end immediately. Those issues must be addressed therapeutically and a professional
should be attained. An eating disorder can develop without any deep seated psychologically traumatic events.
Again an eating disorder is a reactionary addictive behavior.
Eating disorders are capable of causing concern and pain not only to the sufferer but also to family members and friends.
As a concerned other it can be a helpless situation to be in. It is frustrating, especially because
one cannot “fix” the problem for our loved one. Take time to evaluate the situation you are
in. Knowing that you cannot control anyone else but yourself can help. Develop a plan
to help yourself get through the tough time. Keep communication open and avoid being pulled into the eating
disorder especially the food issues. An eating disorder becomes a family problem. Make
sure everyone is OK. Even young siblings or children sense when something is wrong. Develop
or use your own coping skills. Do not allow the eating disorder to become all consuming of everyone’s
life.
