| Unhealthy | Healthy |
|---|
| Telling all. | I consider the other person's level of interest and caring before opening up to them. |
| Talking at an intimate level on the first meeting. | I do not overwhelm a person with things about me. I trust step-by-step as I feel I am getting trust in return. |
| Falling in love with a new acquaintance. | I allow love to develop. I know the qualities I need in a relationship and those that are negative for me. I take time to check those out in a new acquaintance. |
| Falling in love with anyone who reaches out. | When someone reaches out to me, I ask myself whether this person has the qualities I need. |
| Being overwhelmed by a person - preoccupied. |
When I am in a relationship, I am able to "compartmentalize" other areas of my life and to continue to function in them. |
| Acting on first sexual impulse. | My feelings and my self-esteem decide whether I act on sexual impulses. "Will I feel good about myself?" is my first question. |
| Being sexual for partner not self. | I do not "fake" sexual feelings. I do not have sex to avoid hurting my partner's feelings. I cannot be nagged or blackmailed emotionally into having sex. |
| Going against personal values or rights to please others. | I have values which are not negotiable in a relationship. I am not willing to "do anything" for a partner. |
| Not noticing when someone else displays inappropriate boundaries. | I am wary of someone who wants to get too close to me too soon. I notice whether someone I am beginning to relate to has values and opinions. |
| Not noticing when someone invades your boundaries. | I notice when someone is overly helpful, tries to make decisions for me, or does not consult me about time commitments. |
| Accepting food, gifts, touch, sex. | I decide before accepting something whether I want to do it. I do not ask whether the other person's feelings will be hurt if I refuse. |
| Touching a person without asking. | I do not touch others without thinking about whether they have given me signals that it is okay. |
| Taking as much as you can get for the sake of getting. | I do not "test" in a relationship by keeping track of how much is given me as a way of measuring love. |
| Giving as much as you can give for the sake of giving. | I do not give beyond what I can afford materially or emotionally because it makes me feel secure to think I have "sacrificed" for the other person. |
| Allowing someone to take as much as they can from you. | I am aware of when I am being taken advantage of and I am willing to confront the other person about it. |
| Letting others direct your life. | I know what I want from life and have goals in many areas. I listen to opinions but make the decisions for myself. |
| Letting others describe your reality. | I assume that my perception of what is going on is just as accurate as my partner's in a relationship. I refuse to allow my partner to tell me, "You don't feel that way." |
| Letting others define you. | I know who I am. I am wary of partners who want me to be different. |
| Believing others can anticipate your needs. | I do not expect others to read my mind about what is going on with me. I tell them. |
| Expecting others to fill your needs automatically. | I do not expect others to put me first in everything we do together. I do not expect a partner to make me OK just by being there. |
| Falling apart so someone will take care of you. | I do not play games about how I feel to get sympathy or support. |
| Self-abuse, Sexual and Physical abuse, Food abuse, Work abuse. | I respect myself as a person who is worthwhile. I believe I am in charge of my body and what others do to it. I take care of my body and my health as a part of my respect for me as a total person. |
